Can we please talk about this…?
It’s the middle of the night. I have no idea if we have a President yet, or not. Right before I went to bed, a very upset friend sent me a message shared by a mutual friend on Facebook yesterday. It’s a circulating meme going around in Conservative circles in the form of a “Divorce Agreement”. It’s well written. It’s articulate. It’s sad, really. As an “Excommunicated Republican”, both sides of it resonated with me. But it bothers me… enough that I couldn’t sleep. Not for what it says, but for what it assumes about America. I want to go through it point by point (the meme text is in bold):
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, and Obama supporters, et al:
The “American Liberals, social progressives and Obama supporters” stuff is fair. “Leftists, Socialists, and Marxists”? That’s just mean. But let’s zero in on the core: Social Progressive. Yes, unapologetically. We’re tired of fighting the narrow limitations that hold society back. We want to get to that Shining City on the Hill. But we want all of us to get there. Together. Equally. That’s America’s promise!!!
We have stuck together since the late 1950s for the sake of the kids, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has clearly run its course.
Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right for us all, so let’s just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.
I wouldn’t say we’ve tolerated each other and I confess to my own share of verbal bomb-throwing but the relationship hasn’t run its course. Our patience has. Our ability to listen has. Our ability to learn has. We don’t have “two ideological sides”. We have points of view. And we’ve stopped talking about them in rational terms. We need to agree that facts are facts. Facts describe something, how we see them is affected by where we’re standing and how pissed we are.
Here is our separation agreement:
Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a similar portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets, since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We literally fought a war over this. We need to stop. And remember: the party that wants out in a divorce usually ends up living in a shabby apartment near the Bowery!
— We don’t like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them.
It’s not that you don’t like “redistributive” taxes, you just don’t like taxes and also, let’s be fair, how they’re spent. (Good news: we can all agree on that.) As for them being Redistributive, well, that’s how we pay for our little world. We build roads, we pay for first responders, we educate, we provide medical care. We scrape a little off each of our paychecks, pile it up, and pay for our society.
— You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
Judges are supposed to be liberal. They exist to keep the Government off your backs, protect our society, and ensure laws protect us all, equally. You like Conservative judges because you want to protect and uphold your Christian Bible, not the Constitution. But the Constitution is a brilliant document, written by imperfect men who knew they couldn’t foresee everything in the the future and so they wrote it in language that could be constantly reinterpreted as we advanced and became more enlightened. And they wanted to protect your Bible as well as other Holy Books. What they didn’t want was any one of those books to become the basis of America. It says so right there (…establish no religion…).
— Since you hate guns and war, we’ll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.
A lot of people have spent a lot of money, successfully trying to convince you otherwise but we don’t object to guns, or war, or Cops, or the Military. What we object to is simply the risk that so many of those easily-available guns pose to us. We want that risk lowered as much as possible. Speaking for myself, if you wanted to do the work of figuring out how to lower that risk, I’m happy to let you. But I will tell you that frightened, untrained white people like this scare the shit outa me.
— We’ll take the nasty, smelly oil industry and the coal mines, and you can go with wind, solar, and bio-diesel.
OK, but why? Your chosen industries pollute, kill the workers that extract it, and don’t pay very well. Plus these resources are limited and these jobs aren’t going to last very long. The jobs created by the renewables are good-paying, require minimal skills, don’t wreck our air and water and will grow as the technology grows and the demand for affordable energy increases. Honestly, this one confuses me and one of you needs to explain it to me.
— You can keep Oprah, Whoopi, Bill Maher, Michael Moore and Rosie O’Donnell. You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all five of them.
If you don’t like what they say, don’t go see them, or just change the channel. “Freedom of Speech” also includes “Freedom FROM Speech”. Exercise it. Like I do with Rush Limbaugh, Alex Jones, Sean Hannity. Change the channel and ignore it like big boys and girls. Americans don’t believe in the notion of “I don’t like it so you can’t watch it.” Why do you watch crap you don’t like? (Also, I think they all have their own electric cars so I think we can skip the bio-diesel truck for now…)
— We’ll keep capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street.
Again, why? You don’t really have “capitalism” any more, you have a wealthy upper class (an oligarchy) making you poor (that’s the greedy corporations. When was the last time you got more than a 3% or 4% raise from these guys?) Big Pharma? Totally out of control, ask a diabetic. Wal-Mart? Everything is cheap because it comes from, Gasp! CHINA!!!!. Wall Street? That’s all yours. Stocks have become disconnected from company performance for decades and it’s more like a casino now…
— You can have your beloved lifelong welfare dwellers, food stamps, homeless, homeboys, hippies, druggies, and illegal aliens.
These people are largely in this situation because we’ve taken away education, mental health services, after school programs and good-paying jobs. See above, re: Taxes. And have some fucking empathy for God’s sake. Go back to that Bible you love so much, because “…there, but for the grace of God, go I.)
— We’ll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEOs, and rednecks.
We’re probably good with this although, remember: A lot of those hot hockey moms are also entitled “Karen’s” and they can be pretty annoying. Also, a lot of my friends are rednecks and they’re damn funny. Can we at least have visiting privileges, if not joint custody?
— We’ll keep Bill O’Reilly and Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood.
Okay, you got me on this one. Deal. Although honestly you can have NBC, too. It’s kinda worthless these days.
— You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we’ll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.
You do realize that making peace with countries mean we’re less likely to have a war with them, right? Know why we’ve not had a war with China: Trade. Know why we’re constantly at war in the middle east? You wanna bring them Jesus and they don’t want him. Oh, and we wanna steal their oil. How hard is this? Peace between Israel is less about land than about tolerance. They share many of the same Holy sites but want to keep each other’s infidels away and under each other’s thumbs. Muslims and Jews agree on a lot of things. They’ve treated each other like shit for Eons and Christianity has egged a lot of it on. Peace in the middle east is possible if we all learn to be adults and stop meddling and learn to forgive (there’s your Bible popping up, again!)
Also, we agree with having a strong military. Having the ability to stomp an opponent is always a good thing.
— You can have the peaceniks and war protesters.
Well, that’s most of us, so OK. And, by the way, don’t forget that “America” is the result of a massive protest movement. Protests ensure the little people have a voice. And with the growing black and brown populations in America, you may want to start laying the groundwork for the day when WE are that minority! Again, show a little unity and a little empathy.
— When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we’ll help provide them security.
We don’t disagree on this. Hey! More common ground!
— We’ll keep our Judeo-Christian values.
Psst… we don’t all have those, and again, I refer you back to the start of America (escaping religious oppression) and our founding documents:
…establish NO religion…!
— You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, political correctness, and Shirley McLaine. You can also have the UN., but we will no longer be paying the bill.
Islam is welcome, as is Hinduism, Buddhism, heck, all the -isms. Scientology is just nuts and can we get together and toss that one? Humanism is an -ism that people who don’t believe in a religion have. (Freedom OF Religion is also Freedom FROM Religion). Political Correctness drives us crazy, too. Shirley McLain? How’d she get here? Seems a little random. On a related note, it broke my heart to discover that the porn star Brandi Love is a Trump supporter but we all have our little crosses to bear, I guess. The UN? We were instrumental in starting it and the UN has done a lot of good and it’s advanced a lot of American Ideology around the world. You need to do more reading on it but we can still talk.
— We’ll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Volt and Leaf you can find.
I didn’t know we were fighting over cars. I like my SUV. Are you sure you aren’t just grasping right now?
— You can give everyone health care if you can find any practicing doctors.
Why don’t you want everybody to have health care? I don’t get this one. We’re even good if people who smoke or eat too much crap pay more for their care. Hey! We believe in personal responsibility! More common ground!
— We’ll keep “The Battle Hymn of the Republic” and “The National Anthem.”
We weren’t trying to take those… And we’re happy to take off our hats and sing the National Anthem loudly and proudly at a baseball, football, hockey or basketball game. (Please don’t drag me to a soccer game. Please. I’ll sing the Anthem but I don’t want to watch the game!)
— I’m sure you’ll be happy to substitute “Imagine,” “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing,” “Kum Baya,” or “We Are the World.”
I’m only speaking for myself, but those are awful songs. Put them in the Garage Sale.
— We’ll practice trickle-down economics and you can continue to give trickle-up poverty your best shot.
How many years are you gonna keep being fooled by Trickle Down. All that money Trump gave to rich people went into their investment portfolios. Did you get a raise from them? More co-workers? No. You didn’t. Trillions of dollars of YOUR MONEY are sitting on the sidelines benefitting no average American. The economy isn’t your 401K. It’s employment, unemployment, GDP, investments in businesses, Government spending (sorry), Military spending. It’s good paying jobs. It’s having enough money via a livable wage that you can feed, clothe and house your family. Maybe, send them to good schools where they can learn, advance, and grow! Progressives didn’t give you trickle-up poverty. The trickle-down guys did!
— Since it often so offends you, we’ll keep our history, our name, and our flag.
We’re not offended by these things. We’re offended by the things done in their name! That’s an important difference! Why are you against America wanting to be better? That seems un-American. The athletes kneeling want America to be better. The protestors in the streets want America to be better. The people pulling down Confederate statues want America to be better. The rioters and looters want it to be worse. They’re not part of any movement — they’re Anarchists. Or criminals looking to fence stuff for a quick buck. But they’re not Progressives!
In conclusion, I don’t think there is that wide of a gap between us. I don’t think it’s hopeless. I agree that those of us with an education should probably stop calling you stupid. You should probably stop calling us “Libtards”. We could all do better.
Are you really ready to give up?
